|  Jon "Gilligan" C
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| Handle: | Gilligan | | Real Name: | Jon C | | Country: | United States | | Gender: | Male | | Birthday: | March 14, 1983 | | Signed Up: | 2002-12-07 2:45 AM EST | | Last Posted: | 2009-01-07 10:57 PM EST |
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Monty Python And The Holy Grail
-----------------------------------------...
Written as was performed in the feature film.
Transcribed by Adam R. Jones
Monty Python and the Holy Grail - (c) 1974 - Python (Monty) Pictures,Ltd.
-----------------------------------------...
The Cast
(in order of appearance)
King Arthur
Graham Chapman
Patsy
Terry Gilliam
Soldier #1
Michael Palin
Soldier #2
John Cleese
Cart Master
Eric Idle
Customer
John Cleese
Dead Person
John Young
Dennis
Michael Palin
Woman
Terry Jones
Black Knight
John Cleese
Green Knight
Terry Gilliam
Villager #1
Eric Idle
Villager #2
Michael Palin
Sir Bedevere
Terry Jones
Witch
Connie Booth
Villager #3
John Cleese
Villager #4
Neil Innes
Narrator
Michael Palin
Sir Launcelot
John Cleese
Sir Galahad
Michael Palin
Sir Robin
Eric Idle
Prisoner
Mark Zycon
Man
Neil Innes
God
Graham Chapman
French Guard
John Cleese
Historian
John Young
Knight
John Cleese
Historian's Wife
Rita Davies
Minstrel
Neil Innes
Left Head
Terry Jones
Middle Head
Graham Chapman
Right Head
Michael Palin
Zoot
Carol Cleveland
Piglet
Avril Stewart
Winston
Sally Kinghorn
Dingo
Carol Cleveland
Old Man/Bridge Keeper
Terry Gilliam
Tim the Enchanter
John Cleese
Head Knight of Ni
Michael Palin
Cartoon Character
Terry Jones
Father
Michael Palin
Prince Herbert
Terry Jones
Guard #1
Eric Idle
Guard #2
Graham Chapman
Concorde
Eric Idle
Guest #1
Michael Palin
Guest #2
Michael Palin
Old Crone
Bee Duffell
Roger the Shrubber
Eric Idle
Rabbit of Caerbannog
himself
Bors
Terry Gilliam
Brother Maynard
Eric Idle
Second Brother
Michael Palin
Animator
Terry Gilliam
-----------------------------------------...
Scene 1
[wind]
[clop clop clop]
King Arthur
Whoa there!
[clop clop clop]
Soldier #1
Halt! Who goes there?
Arthur
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeater of the Saxons, Sovereign of all England!
Soldier #1
Pull the other one!
Arthur
I am, ...and this is my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
Soldier #1
What? Ridden on a horse?
Arthur
Yes!
Soldier #1
You're using coconuts!
Arthur
What?
Soldier #1
You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're bangin'em together.
Arthur
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercia, through--
Soldier #1
Where'd you get the coconuts?
Arthur
We found them.
Soldier #1
Found them? In Mercia? The coconut's tropical!
Arthur
What do you mean?
Soldier #1
Well, this is a temperate zone.
Arthur
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
Soldier #1
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
Arthur
Not at all. They could be carried.
Soldier #1
What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
Arthur
It could grip it by the husk!
Soldier #1
It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut.
Arthur
Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here?
Soldier #1
Listen. In order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second, right?
Arthur
Please!
Soldier #1
Am I right?
Arthur
I'm not interested!
Soldier #2
It could be carried by an African swallow!
Soldier #1
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That's my point.
Soldier #2
Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
Arthur
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
Soldier #1
But then of course a-- African swallows are non-migratory.
Soldier #2
Oh, yeah...
Soldier #1
So, they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop clop]
Soldier #2
Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
Soldier #1
No, they'd have to have it on a line.
Soldier #2
Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
Soldier #1
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Soldier #2
Well, why not?
-----------------------------------------...
Scene 2
[thud]
[clang]
Cart Master
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[cough cough...]
[clang]
[...cough cough]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead! Ninepence.
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
[clang]
Bring out...
[rewr!]
...your dead!
[rewr!]
[clang]
Bring out your dead!
Customer
Here's one.
Cart Master
Ninepence.
Dead Person
I'm not dead!
Cart Master
What?
Customer
Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
Dead Person
I'm not dead!
Cart Master
'Ere. He says he's not dead!
Customer
Yes, he is.
Dead Person
I'm not!
Cart Master
He isn't?
Customer
Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.
Dead Person
I'm getting better!
Customer
No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.
Cart Master
Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
Dead Person
I don't want to go on the cart!
Customer
Oh, don't be such a baby.
Cart Master
I can't take him.
Dead Person
I feel fine!
Customer
Well, do us a favour.
Cart Master
I can't.
Customer
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.
Cart Master
No, I've got to go to the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today.
Customer
Well, when's your next round?
Cart Master
Thursday.
Dead Person
I think I'll go for a walk.
Customer
You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look, isn't there something you can do?
Dead Person
[singing] I feel happy... I feel happy.
[whop]
Customer
Ah, thanks very much.
Cart Master
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Customer
Right. All right.
[howl]
[clop clop clop]
Who's that then?
Cart Master
I dunno. Must be a king.
Customer
Why?
Cart Master
He hasn't got shit all over him.
-----------------------------------------...
Scene 3
[thud]
[King Arthur music]
[thud thud thud]
[King Arthur music stops]
Arthur
Old Woman!
Dennis
Man!
Arthur
Man. Sorry. What Knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis
I'm thirty-seven.
Arthur
I-- what?
Dennis
I'm thirty-seven. I'm not Old.
Arthur
Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
Dennis
Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
Arthur
Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
Dennis
Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Arthur
I did say 'sorry' about the 'Old Woman', but from the behind you looked--
Dennis
What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Arthur
Well, I am King!
Dennis
Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
Woman
Dennis, there's some Lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
Arthur
How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
Woman
King of the who?
Arthur
The Britons.
Woman
Who are the Britons?
Arthur
Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
Woman
I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis
You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
Woman
Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
Dennis
That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
Arthur
Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
Woman
No one lives there.
Arthur
Then who is your lord?
Woman
We don't have a lord.
Arthur
What?
Dennis
I tOld you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive Officer for the week,...
Arthur
Yes.
Dennis
...but all the decision of that Officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
Arthur
Yes, I see.
Dennis
...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
Arthur
Be quiet!
Dennis
...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
Arthur
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Woman
Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
Arthur
I am your king!
Woman
Well, I didn't vote for you.
Arthur
You don't vote for kings.
Woman
Well, how did you become King, then?
Arthur
The Lady of the Lake,...
[angels sing]
...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your king!
Dennis
Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a Mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Arthur
Be quiet!
Dennis
Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
Arthur
Shut up!
Dennis
I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Arthur
Shut up, will you? Shut up!
Dennis
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Arthur
Shut up!
Dennis
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Arthur
Bloody peasant!
Dennis
Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
-----------------------------------------...
Scene 4
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
Black Knight
Aaaagh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
Black Knight
Aaagh!
Green Knight
Ooh!
[King Arthur music]
[music stops]
[stab]
Black Knight
Aagh!
Green Knight
Oh!
[King Arthur music]
Ooh!
[music stops]
Black Knight
Aaaagh!
[clang]
Black Knight and Green Knight
Agh!, oh!, etc.
Green Knight
Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!
[woosh]
[Black Knight kills Green Knight]
[thud]
[scrape]
Black Knight
Umm!
[clop clop clop]
Arthur
You fight with the strength of Many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest Knights in the land to join me in my court at Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
Black Knight
None shall pass.
Arthur
What?
Black Knight
None shall pass.
Arthur
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge.
Black Knight
Then you shall die.
Arthur
I comMand you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside!
Black Knight
I move for no Man.
Arthur
So be it!
Arthur and Black Knight
Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.
[Arthur chops the Black Knight's left arm off]
Arthur
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
Black Knight
'Tis but a scratch.
Arthur
A scratch? Your arm's off!
Black Knight
No, it isn't.
Arthur
Well, what's that, then?
Black Knight
I've had worse.
Arthur
You liar!
Black Knight
Come on, you pansy!
[clang]
Huyah!
[clang]
Hiyaah!
[clang]
Aaaaaaaah!
[Arthur chops the Black Knight's right arm off]
Arthur
Victory is mine!
[kneeling]
We thank Thee Lord, that in Thy mer--
Black Knight
Hah!
[kick]
Come on, then.
Arthur
What?
Black Knight
Have at you!
[kick]
Arthur
Eh. You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
Black Knight
Oh, had enough, eh?
Arthur
Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.
Black Knight
Yes, I have.
Arthur
Look!
Black Knight
Just a flesh wound.
[kick]
Arthur
Look, stop that.
Black Knight
Chicken!
[kick]
Chickennn!
Arthur
Look, I'll have your leg.
[kick]
Right!
[whop]
[Arthur chops the Black Knight's right leg off]
Black Knight
Right. I'll do you for that!
Arthur
You'll what?
Black Knight
Come here!
Arthur
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
Black Knight
I'm invincible!
Arthur
You're a looney.
Black Knight
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on, then.
[whop]
[Arthur chops the Black Knight's last leg off]
Black Knight
Ooh. All right, we'll call it a draw.
Arthur
Come, Patsy.
Black Knight
Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off!
-----------------------------------------...
Scene 5
Monks
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk]
...dona eis requiem.
Crowd
A Witch! A Witch!
[bonk]
A Witch! A Witch!
Monks
[chanting] Pie Iesu domine...
Crowd
A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! A Witch! We |
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